Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
