Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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