She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
