Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm like, not good at living.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
