I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
