What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
