my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Randomize
