Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
