i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
