Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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