i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
