Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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