For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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