My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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