$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
