I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
