did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
