It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
