This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
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