I'm lost and stupid without you.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
