Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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