Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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