but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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