There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
