looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..