ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.