turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????