I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
