I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
