So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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