she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I could make wine with my vomit
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
