Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
