Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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