u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
