if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
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