she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
