we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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