dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
areolas are like halos for boobs.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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