I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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