I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
