I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
