i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
