question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
