I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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