I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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