I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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