Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn