I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.