i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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