Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
