She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
