Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
