Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm too high and old for this...
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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