Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
