so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
