there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
