i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
