Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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