Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
