i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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