Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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