Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
