she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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