I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
