i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
