I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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